A fully managed end-to-end service for digitally signing code, documents, and applications. (formerly Trusted Signing)
After awaiting a duration that has almost been a week and receiving no response, and finding that there are many recent threads like this one with no resolution, I have opted instead to procure a traditional organization-validated certificate from another certificate authority. I will ensure that my future resources will go directly or indirectly towards Microsoft's competitors: more specifically, those that can actually follow through on their service.
It would have been helpful if, in the fine print, it was stated that in order to contact Microsoft's team to resolve a genuine issue in one of their (important) services, one must either have a powerful enough legal team, the ability to cause damage to catch their attention, or more likely, both. Naturally, this unstated expected mode of operation would make artifact signing strictly a large-business-to-large-business service, but it was not advertised this way. This is my fault for not doing my research beforehand by grabbing insider information from Microsoft. It is my fault for not understanding that in order to operate at a sane and minimally-acceptable level, one must already be widely accomplished in the world.
Thank you for the service that you have never provided me. I genuinely wish that your future endeavors will result in exactly the outcome that it deserves.