Vista: The update does not apply to your system

I have 32-bit Vista Home Premium [and] haven't been able to install any updates since around March 2016...

Please answer each of the following [admittedly tedious] diagnostic questions in a correspondingly-numbered list in your very next reply, preferably without quoting my post:

1a. When (approx. date) did you purchase the computer?

1b. Who manufactured the computer (e.g., Dell; HP; Lenovo; Toshiba)?

1c. Have you ever had occasion to do a Repair Install or a clean install of Windows Vista?

2. What is the full name of your installed anti-virus application or security suite and when (approx. date) does your current subscription expire? What anti-spyware applications (other than Defender) are installed? What third-party firewall (if any)?
3. Has a(nother) Norton application or a McAfee application EVER been installed on the computer since you bought it?
4. Assuming Internet Explorer 9 is installed => What Update Version & KB number are displayed in the second line of text in IE9's Help | About [Alt+H+A] tab; e.g., Update Version: 9.0.54 (KB9876543) ?
5. Assuming Java is installed => Is Java Version 8 Update 121 (or higher) installed? TEST HERE USING INTERNET EXPLORER ONLY! => http://java.com/en/download/uninstallapplet.jsp [1]

• Java Update: Patch it or pitch it

http://krebsonsecurity.com/2014/07/java-update-patch-it-or-pitch-it/

• Is it time to disable/uninstall Java?

http://securitygarden.blogspot.com/2013/01/java-zero-day-again-time-to.html

6. Is Adobe Flash Player v24.0.0.194 (or higher) installed? TEST HERE USING INTERNET EXPLORER ONLY! => http://www.adobe.com/software/flash/about/
7. Is Firefox version 50.1.0 (or higher) and/or Google Chrome version 49.0.2623.112 [sic] or any other alternate browser installed?
8. Are you in the habit of using "Registry cleaners" (e.g., Registry Mechanic; System Mechanic; RegCure; RegClean Pro; Advanced SystemCare; Total System Care; Glary Utilities; Registry Booster; McAfee QuickClean; AVG Quick Clean; AVG PC TuneUp; Norton Registry Cleaner; Norton PC Tuneup; PCTools Optimiser; SpeedUpMyPC; FixMyPC; PC Doctor; TuneUp Utilities; WinMaximizer; WinSweeper; Comodo System Cleaner; Advanced System Optimizer; CCleaner Registry Cleaner component)?

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[1] No need to install Java if it's not already installed!

Does not apply to system is a normal setting,some updates simply do not apply.

Hello again,

Thanks for the suggestions. I deinstalled both McAfee and Norton, but the first Windows update patch I require (kb3185911) still failed to load, and returned the same error ('the update does not apply to your system').

Unfortunately, I can't find a Windows update troubleshooter for Vista. All I can find are versions for Windows 7 and above. Do you have a link for a Vista version?

IE:

Prior to the general Vista update problem that all Vista users seems to be experiencing, I installed Windows updates regularly, including IE updates, and, as a result, have IE 9 installed, although I've never used it.

Time for a new computer?

Yes. Undoubtedly. However, I'd like to keep this one running a little longer, and want to patch it up as much as possible before the extended support ends.

Do you have any other suggestions?

Thanks

Are you running Internet Explorer 7 (IE7) or IE8?

Support (and updates) for IE8/Vista ended on 12 January 2016. Looks like the computer's missing at least a years' worth of critical security updates. That's not a good thing!

Tip: Contact Norton Support and ask them to help you (a) uninstall Norton Security, (b) download/run the Norton Removal Tool, (c) download/run the McAfee Removal Tool, (d) do a clean install of Norton Security, and then (e) download/run the Windows Update troubleshooter. After doing all that, run a manual check for updates & see if any/all updates offered (including IE9) will successfully install.

PS: Extended Support (and updates) for Vista SP2 ends on 11 April 2017 (shortly before your Norton subscription expires). Time for a new computer?

Hello,

1a. 2007

1b. Mesh

1c. No

2. Norton Security for the virus checker and firewall. It expires in about 3 months.
3. Norton Security was purchased as an upgrade from Norton 360. A couple of years ago I inadvertently installed a trial version of McAfee. It's still there but I've disabled the service.

The PC came with a trial version of Bullguard already installed, but I've disabled that service too.

4. I don't have IE9
5. I have Java 8 u121
6. I have Flash 24.0.0.194
7. I have Firefox 50.1.0. I don't have any other browsers (apart from an old version of IE that I haven't used in years)
8. I've never knowingly used a registry cleaner. Norton Security has a performance app included which I've run a few times, but I don't think it cleans the registry.

Thanks