So, ignoring the "reset windows" suggestion because...yeah, not doing that...I tried an in-place upgrade and upon initial boot the behavior was gone. However, upon reboot it returned. I gave up for yesterday and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning and decided to try turning off Core Isolation/Virtualization Based Security. That fixed it; Microsoft Defender Antivirus Network Inspection Service now starts and runs without complaint. Apparently Microsoft messed up an update to Defender or something else and caused this to start happening; it's not like this is the first time they have deployed a broken Defender update.
Do you have Core Isolation/VBS enabled, khynnea?
Edit: Verified repeatable resolution on a second machine; my Windows 10 Home 2004 laptop.