Right, so I am back finally with news.
I'm actually smart enough to use a hypervisor especially since I finally have one useful enough to figure out what is wrong... and I would refuse to believe that my firmware is the reason why I can't update past 1607 but I have this to show so I can get some more feedback...
The one on the left is my computer which has Anniversary Update (Redstone 1). The one on the right is a virtual machine connection running Redstone 5 with no issues whatsoever. Clearly I can see that, again, the BIOS information is the most discriminatory factor for my persistent upgrade issues.