After days of trial and error, this did the trick for me:
- Open command prompt and type "NET STOP WUAUSERV". This will stop the spazzing Windows Update Service.
- Follow up with typing "WUAUCLT /DETECTNOW". This will detect, download, and process all necessary updates behind the scenes. Depending on how many your system requires, this could take A LOT of time. I had 110 updates needed, so it took a while.
Is this a permanent fix? Probably not, but it should get you up to date on all critical updates released at the point in time these commands are run (hopefully).