hey everybody!
I found some weird stuff and when I fixed it, the windows 8.1 update installed perfectly. Here's my deal (with a little backstory...ok maybe a lot of backstory...and a lot of story too just for good measure or maybe I just like to hear myself type...in either case, it's good and hopefully helpful information, so suck it up and read on)...
lo, in the beginning, there was lots of drama and gnashing of teeth and catastrophic failure after catastrophic failure updating from Windows 8.0 to Windows 8.1 [extensive, and at this point fairly meaningless, details omitted]...and then I got desperate and did a full reinstall of Windows 8.0 and tried to update with no love.
I deleted all the partitions on my hard drive and installed 8.0, tried to update to 8.1 with no love.
Then, I got even more desperate and fully deleted my RAID and set it up again (4 1TB drives configured RAID 5, 3TB useable)...installed 8.0, tried to update to 8.1 with no love.
to be clear, "no love" means getting the 0x80004005 error during the "preparing to restart" phase of the update (basically the very, very end just before it actually reboots and does something useful)
ok...here comes the weird stuff...gird your loins...
I got super desperate and, springboarding off the active partition theories bouncing around on this thread, tried to find the UEFI equivalent of setting a partition as the active partition (I'm using UEFI and GPT because I boot from a drive greater than 2TB...so are you if you are booting off a drive larger than 2TB whether you realize it or not, and if you're not, you should be...it's totally awesome...except for this Windows 8.1 update nonsense).
while poking around in my BIOS settings, I found a UEFI menu item that listed all the devices that the UEFI thought it could boot from and, lo and behold, weirdness..........
there were three weird devices named "U", "E" and "E". hmm...those don't sound like legit devices like the other ones do, i.e. "Windows Boot Manager", "UEFI OS", etc.
sooooo....I wondered if I could delete these devices, wondered if maybe the whole "hey, I just got all my stuff ready and now I need to make the computer boot in an awesome yet very specific way so I can continue installing" thing that the windows 8.1 update was trying to do was getting all gakked up by the weird devices. I even wondered if maybe the failed updates had created the devices. I even, even wondered if maybe the failed attempts to install **Windows 8.1 Preview** had created the devices. honestly, i'm not sure when those devices showed up, but what I do know was that they weren't there when I built the computer and when I arrived in the part of my story immediately above, there they were.
so...I tried resetting my BIOS to defaults, but the strange and unusual devices were still there. then, I remembered...huzzah! hooray! there's a magical CMOS reset button on the back of this motherboard...i'll try that and maybe that'll magically reset EVERYTHING....and......
voila. it totally did. yes, totally......devices gone. everything reset to bare bones defaults...fresh like a newborn motherboard baby. I changed just enough stuff to be able to install windows 8.0 a...good lord...at this point probably 10th time, maybe 11th......such as turning on RAID and setting it to UEFI (again because [a] RAID 5 is awesome and [b] a giant RAID 5 is even morer awesomerer). I even went so far as to google a couple things and actually create the RAID 5 in the UEFI shell, though i'm not sure that had anything to do with it. (google it yourself...at this point I have no idea where I found that...but I do remember it was a powerpoint presentation and it was on the MSI support site somewhere...ok ok ok...I sort of remember where it was)
......and......then......I tried the windows 8.1 update again and held my breath...............
and behold...it rebooted...and it took FOR-EV-ER and did a bunch of **** while big letters sat on the screen and the background flashed like those acid flashbacks they promised me in the 80s...and then it did that some more...and then some more...and then I ate dinner...and then it did that some more...and THEN...
Windows 8.1 booted up AND DID SOME MORE **** OH MY GOD...
And now it's updated, and fine, and (hopefully...we'll see Microsoft...we'll see) glorious!
So, what made those weird devices? Did creating the RAID in the UEFI shell help or does the computer even care? How many inappropriate words did I edit out of this post? (a hint...more than the number of reinstalls I've performed since 8.1 was released) Was it relevant that I noticed that after the super-CMOS-reset the default UEFI boot device was "Windows Boot Manager"? We may never know. Well...we may...read on.........
Sooooooo, hey...Microsoft...here's a specific and measurable symptom with a specific and measurable solution to at least one scenario of this nightmarish 8.1 update. Please, have your smart people poke around on this and hold it up to the light and see if they can't unwind it and turn it into a magical thing that helps everybody.
Regardless, now I've got my new toy and i'm off to play.....and to be clear, by play, I mean gleefully reinstall/restore a few TB of **** that I erased very early in this emotionally convoluted tale. There is no sleep for the wicked, nor is there any sleep for the bug seekers, the solution makers, those who search for....oh wait...****...no...that's an Apple ad.
Anyway. My brain hurts. Good luck, all...and good night.