I contacted support and they logged on to my PC for a few hours. Did whatever it is they do. Eventually they called me back. Their response: "We give up: this update was a defect and there isn't anything we can do about it"
I asked what my next step was and they recommended I get a new PC. Apparently my 5 month old one just couldn't cut it.
I guess this is the end of the line for me because, well, that answer is pretty dumb.
Just sharing my experiences with this error.