Why are Windows updates so slow (and long) with Windows 7

I usually keep Windows Update turned off, to avoid being slowed down by its daily scanning.   About a week after Patch Tuesday, I take care of updates.  I dread it so much now, the past four months have been utter ****. So slow!

Here's my "voodoo":

Win 7, 64-bit. First, I check for a newer version of the Update client.  MS seems to be releasing a newer, patched version every month..not a good sign!  I downloaded and installed KB 3138612 (Windows Update Client, March 2016).  I do this separately, before turning on Updates.

I check that KB 3102810, the infamous early "fix" for Win Update slowness is installed.

I turn off my anti-virus (the real-time service) to give my whole CPU to Win Update.

I download and run the Windows Update troubleshooting diagnostic.  It fixes a few things.

Now I turn it on...it's Sun. 3/20, 8:35 pm.  Checking for updates surprisingly takes just 50 min on my i3-4030U laptop, 4GB ram.  I select just the security updates, ignore the recommended/optional stuff this time.  I decide to gamble and include the .Net ones, even though it's been recommended to do .Net ones by themselves.  I don't want to go through the Updates process twice tonight, so I gamble.  19 updates, about 2 months of worth of patches, ready, set, GO.

The downloading finishes by 11pm or so, probably sped up toward the end as there's less traffic on the servers this late on a Sunday.  Installing starts.  It hangs for a long time on updates 5 and 6. 

1 a.m. and its still stuck on installing #6 of 19.   I tell it to Shut down, knowing it will keep working until the updates are installed, then shut down.  Don't know how much longer it will take, so I prop up the laptop with milk bottle caps, to give the bottom vents more air.   I go to sleep.

Next morning, I check things...updates were done at 2:14 a.m.  Almost six hours. 

This is what happens when Satya Nadella (MS CEO) fires most of the quality assurance and testing staff, and then tries to ram Win 10 down everyone's throats, completely ignoring his company's best product (Win 7).

A thousand blessings to you my kind benefactors.  The captain's 300 miles back, with a beautiful french lass, and he swears to be a duke with no memory of our ship.  Bottle after bottle of the finest amnesia for you see her father owns the vineyards, and he is now proud owner of her soon to be husband. And so lads, without a compass, or a chronograph to sooth our anger, or a chronograph to set us back on course we may have been at the mercy of pc bandits who prey upon the misfortunes of the naive.  Our compass and our chronograph have been missing, perhaps mistaken for fancy watches by thieves, and thus we can only hope for piety from the wind, the sun, the rain, and some other boat who understands our folly. 

Okay, the quick instructions came along like a dove with an olive branch in it's beak.  Really not too crazy about commands, codes, and other time bandits especially when I am not paid to sit here for long periods of time.  There is no doubt that programming and all of that other computer know how is learn-able, if set my mind to it.

So......it helps to know what is happening inside a PC, but I would rather not get into a lot of the specifics.  Its kind of like computer kindergarten, when you first begin to learn about operations, and the tutor, teacher, other students, or family members who are way advanced stood behind you, stood next to you, and proceeded to reach over you while taking command of the keyboard. 

The only antidote that worked for me was, "Who's milking this cow, me or you?, I didn't design it, I am merely enrolled in the class., or when all else failed, Would you like to use the restroom for me?"  Well, that's your basic shop talk, but I would like to add that I will pass this information on to others who are new to PCs, or who merely use them without any knowledge of symptoms or troubleshooting.  The money we might have saved will be spent on bills, food, or other necessities so your information  is also great for our economy. 

I would say that experience has taught me that many small and large PC repair persons got into this field for the purpose of cheating, and taking advantage of PC novices. Outstanding instructions.

Yo Ho, Ho, and a bottle of rum to you too, my dear sir. My fellow shipwrecked castaway!

I have the same problem for half a year. I'm a technician. Updates are searching for several hours or even days.Rarely happens that they seek quickly. Duringthis half year, Iinstallmore thanone hundredcomputersallhave the same problemwith a longsearchfor updates! Both version x86 or x64, Home Premium or Professional. I started watching it after the launch of Windows 10.