Re Update:
I fought back and forth with service and sales about this resolution including sending pictures demonstrating no impact point or other physical damage to the device. My case got escalated and was reviewed by some board but I was not allowed to speak to the board, present my case, or even receive word directly from them.
If you haven't taken those steps, you could always request those steps but likely will be a waste of your time and land you in the same spot your are in now.
The refurbished device they sent wasn't awful... outside of the space bar being squeaky and there being a scuff on the glass of the screen. The noise from the space bar makes me want to toss the SB3 out my office window. :) Super shame knowing I sent a pristine SB3. Wiping the device they sent and making sure there was no malware on it was more of the pain.
I have a feeling that even when Microsoft recognizes that the spontaneous screen cracks / BSOD are baked in issues that it will not be something I am compensated for or even notified about.